I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
