nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize