Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize