my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
