I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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