...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't deserve a penis
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
