if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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