i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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