You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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