you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
