my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
