I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
im six kinds of drunk right now
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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