My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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