i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
