Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize