This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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