My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
