I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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