Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
