i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't put those talents on a resume
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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