I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize