i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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