3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
