Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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