I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
