No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my being single is dangerous.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
