Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
