If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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