All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
