He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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