my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
