i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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