We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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