eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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