someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
