I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize