i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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