Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
