The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
