i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
This is not my ceiling
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
