Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
