Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You've changed since you got that strap on
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