So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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