you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
