Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
