I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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