Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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