My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The best revenge is premature balding
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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