i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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