I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
