Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
