there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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