We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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