I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
