Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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