I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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