I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
