I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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