I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just made my gag reflex go away.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
