My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
