Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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