You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
