I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
