I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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