this just has baby written all over it
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What a dumb baby whore.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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