I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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