I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
